Tales of the Parodyverse

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CrazySugarFreakBoy!
Sun Apr 17, 2005 at 09:37:30 pm EDT
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CrazySugarFreakBoy! in “House of Impossibilitium,” Part 2
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Every Impossibilitium-imbued Agent of Chaos is literally a living zeitgeist, because every one embodies the spirit of the age from which he or she originates.
Archaeologist and pilot Terrence “Terry” Lucas discovered an ancient jetpack of Impossibilitium metal on a dig in Egypt, and became the CrazySugarBlast-OffLad! of the Golden Age, joining Jingo Belle, the Amazin’ All-American Amazon, in taking the fight for freedom to the Axis supervillains, such as Aryan Ideal and Madame Butterfly, during World War II.
Astronaut and rocket scientist Carter Armstrong was bombarded with Impossibilitium radiation during an experimental test flight into outer space, and became the CrazySugarCosmicIconoclast! of the Silver Age, founding the interplanetary CrazySugarCosmicIconoclastCollective!, with the guidance of the long-lived race of guardians called the Janus, to defend against the aggression of alien invaders, such as Honey Bee, of the Hive Mind, and Doctor Xeno Phobia, the Extraterrestrial Enigma, during the apex of the Cold War.
Vietnam veteran and inner-city cop Hannibal M. Murdock was injected with the Impossibilitium-laced Sucrose-Fueled Sociopath Formula by the military-industrial organization classified as Zone: Zero, and became the InsaneCaffeineRevengeSoldier! of the Bronze Age, going against his government overseers to dispense vigilante justice toward the street gangs, business moguls and corrupt politicians that the letter of the law couldn’t touch, such as the Lodestone of Entropy Enterprises, during the climax of the Cold War.
And in the midst of the new millenium’s numerous “Wars Against Terror,” Japanese-American aspiring artist Kitsune Kuusou had emerged as the SentaiOtakuHentaiBishounen! of the modern age, using his Impossibilitium-empowered Anime-Manga Martial Arts to combat Origami-San and his Ass-Raping Ninja Student Loan Collection Agency, all while serving as an active-duty member of the Lair Legion, working as part of Odyssey Opportunities’ Pantheon Prodigies, attending undergraduate classes at the University of Washington in Seattle, and carrying on a romance with Sydney St. Sylvain, the Fabulous Fashion Fairy.
It all made perfect sense and yet, something about it just seemed slightly … off, for reasons that even an avid expert on superhero lore such as Dreamcatcher Kokopelli Foxglove couldn’t put his finger on yet.
Maybe he was just jealous of the fact that some guy who went to the same school as him got to be a real-deal superhero, while he was still stuck in the oppressive ordinariness of the mundane world. Maybe he was simply letting his growing dissatisfaction with the aimless, purposeless, pointless drift of his day-to-day existence get to him. Maybe he finally needed to decide what it was that he actually wanted to do with the rest of his life, rather than spending all his time obsessing over the meaningless minutiae of adolescent adventure stories that were produced purely for the purpose of providing easy, disposable entertainment.
Dream contemplated this while idly thumbing through the Kurt Busiek-written introduction to the Untold Tales of the CrazySugarHistoricHeroes! oversized slipcover hardcover collector’s edition collected edition, published by Odyssey Opportunities’ Mnemosyne Media, that he’d just purchased from the Golden Age Collectables store at Pike Place Market in downtown Seattle. He was shaken out of his reverie when Kitsune Kuusou, the SentaiOtakuHentaiBishounen!, zoomed past the Déjà Vu Showgirls where Dream’s mother still performed on occasion, trading a rapid-fire series of lightning-fast blows with Martin “Marvin” Lillard, the UltiMAX-TremeMan of the U.K., who had recently surfaced as a rival Impossibilitium-imbued Agent of Chaos and self-styled “superhero,” albeit with a much darker persona and more brutal methods.
Oft-repeated rumors from the online circles of conspiracy theorists claimed that Zone: Zero had hooked up the British-born UltiMAX-TremeMan with a steady supply of its Sucrose-Fueled Sociopath Formula, just as the Lodestone and Entropy Enterprises were constantly being charged with covering for the criminal activities of Origami-San and the Ass-Raping Ninja Student Loan Collection Agency (although they had yet to be convicted successfully, at least on appeal).
As the fluorescent oranges, neon greens and day-glo yellows of the SentaiOtakuHentaiBishounen! swirled together with the rust reds, gunmetal grays and shadowy blacks of UltiMAX-TremeMan, April Alice Apple wandered out of the door of Zanadu Comics, on over to her coworker from Who Watches the Watchmen? Magazine, and wondered aloud, “Is there any reason why anyone outside of Mark Millar and Rob Liefeld still finds the ‘90s-era, gratuitously grim-and-gritty routine to be even remotely appealing anymore? There’s already a bright-and-shiny CrazySugarSuperHero! in circulation. I don’t think anybody really needs a dysfunctional and deconstructed one, too.”
“Chaos isn’t just light, though,” Dream explained from a seemingly semi-lucid state of consciousness. “Chaos is both Creation and Destruction. So, if one Agent of Chaos is acting on behalf of Creation, then there has to be another Agent of Chaos who’s acting on behalf of Destruction. It’s a cosmic balance thing. Except … the names, the faces, the costumes, even some of the colors are wrong. One of them should be, like, a goth-punk chick in purple, shouldn’t she?”
“You doin’ okay, there, space cowboy?” April checked cautiously, cocking her head to one side and casting a sidelong glance at Dream. “Only you’re sounding like you’ve maybe been overdosing on the DayQuil.”
“I have been feeling a bit perpendicular to reality lately,” he admitted with an oddly out-of-sync chuckle. “Hey, listen, I know you’re still kind of new in town, so I was wondering if you wanted to meet up with me and Izzy over at Ethan Warren’s place in a few hours? I can’t promise anything more exciting than the regular Saturday night of Orc-slaying in the Forgotten Realms with the rest of the Amazing Super-Friends, but Ethan’s wife makes one seriously mean yakisoba.”
“Well, Bernice already has plans to cover the latest on-campus protest of our country’s ongoing occupation of Sybia, for the next issue of the Watchmen, so, sure, why not?” April agreed cheerfully. “See you then.”




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